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by Noël, Young & Crazy Hores

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deadmonton/

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released August 24, 2012

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Some rights reserved. Please refer to individual track pages for license info.

about

Davē Noël Black Edmonton, Alberta

db is a "delightfully weird" fine artist, an advocate for OPM and a recovering narcissist.

Currently on academic probation, he looks forward to his future career as a student, hoping to obtain a triple doctorate in Underwater Economics, Musicological Fractals and Poli-Techs, however he’s not holding his breath.
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Track Name: Slutz (Might Have A.D.D.)
ADHD individuals haven't got a clue where the edge of the cliff is
If they don't know where the edge of that cliff is, they fall of regularly

But where you stand at the edge and see things nobody else sees….
(that's what she said)


Sluts are cool
but not when they fuck other guys

…then people call you successful. People who live their lives far away from the edge of the cliff who don't take chances, don't do things that change the world.
Track Name: Blame It On Saskatchewan (Disdrukted Queerbec Drivehers)
Blame it on Saskatchewan
The problems of today
Those potash wells are burning
Those conservative punks they died

Don’t talk on your cell phone
While you’re driving drunk
The liquor stores they close at 21:00
Those roads will suck your pickup
Right into the tree, it’s a damn good thing there’s only one way to

Blame it on Saskatchewan
Denial is the key
Ignorance is the lock
There is no begging down in Moose Jaw
It’s not a welfare state (it’s a province!)
That Wendy’s (wind is?) smoking hot

Stop burning veggie oil
In your tractor, Joe
While your drive on Monsanto**
The disability of the B.O.P. valve
Test it while it fails, to

Blame it on Saskatchewan
In coveralls - our troops,
Burning cattle at the trough:

Watch “stubble jumpers” hopping
West for so much more
They just come back for a lay (over)
Their doctors take patients, and
Like Alberta beef, they slaughter “peacefully.”

(it’s no wonder why we)
Blame it on Saskatchewan
The Tar sands way up there, and
Plumbers know what runs downhill.

Don’t get me wrong,
The economy’s strong
While we “smoke the pipe”,
But if you want to know
How the north shouldn’t go
Head to Texas and pray they can’t

Blame it on Saskatchewan
The pump jacks left behind
Just don’t take away our right
(wing family)
In Quebec, it’s illegal
To march through the street***
Come on, citizens applaud
Send in your best tear gas
To support OUR troops, why not kill abroad?

I caught a rubber bullet
Square in my left nut,
It was a right-wing vasectomy
That I can blame on “a politician”
The blood lines that they throw, so
Here is your new show:
Track Name: Don't Break Stuff (At The Punk Show?) v2.0
Dont break stuff
(at the punk show?)
Cracker Feend 2001, Hazeldean Hall
Dumb fuck tore up the bathroom stalls
Don’t break stuff at the punk show

Even if your girlfriend dumps you
(at the show)
Don’t break stuff at the punk show
(or in the bedroom, or anywhere, really.)

A true belief in anarchy means you
Don’t wreck stuff at the punk show
If your self-esteem’s that low
(vote for Stephen Harper!)
Go smoke crack at the rock show.
Track Name: Sponsored Stage Presents: $1.00 Car (Golden Years & Warm Desserts)
This is the song for the car
that I mighta’ owned in 2002...(Mighta’ not!)

1980 domestic “shaggin’ wagon”
From Kenny Windsor,
Wood makeup on the side
But I don’t mind.
Got a case of spray bombs,
We’re going up the country.
New black paint,
I got high off the fumes

12 bucks @ “product placement”
Andritz has his class seven
Shauna (Turner) laughed at no hubcaps...
Thought I saw Anthony Jestin ...anymore
Bought Zack Yerkza a bumper ($400.00!!!!)
Cause I flipped the lid

Through the fields:
Bud (Frank Ferguson) and
Shauna (Turner) 
“trading paint” (Making out)
George (Brons) and Kaelin (Elliot)
Were (just) friends then
Jim on the hood, Eddie (Bennet)’s on the roof
Fat Al smoking on the door, (to the)
COP (he) says he’s
“....stretching out the seatbelt!”
Put out the “fire” in the back
Let’s get Nathan (Lunde-Berry) some justice
Blasting “Rednecks Have No Fun”...(by AWOL).
The headlight cracked.
Small price to pay,
Way back in the day

Push those carts out of the way
Break an axle, we shouldn’t stay
The “junkyard fix” is just my way
The COPs roll by, they’re on display
Young, dumb and full of come
No consequences, we’re on the run
These “golden years,” they will not last
So let’s go out and burn some.... (Gas)

Paintball rocks:
(Ed Bennet) Bennie’s shooting out the window
Screaming girls in the street,
Want to hurl at the sight
Ed’s hanging out a big black fright
Yelling “DEATH TO THE LOGOS!”
That George Brons mighta been right,
Chaos surrounds me. dumb idiot crap
But let’s keep our brain cells,
say up all night.
I just might have to change…
The wrong headlight.

Breakfast bombs:
I’ll have mine over easy
Out the driver’s side window
Edmonchuck
Square in the back
Star quarterback
The spot was black

Wyanita (Fath)’s there was a ball
A jerk wanted to make us fall
I cooked up a gold surprise
Late that night we took a drive
While Adam’s reeling because it’s steaming,
Jamie’s doing his pursed lip squeak thing

Unknown number on my “brand name” analog cell
He’s boiling mad, he said,
“SHIT UNDER THE DOOR HANDLE IS NOT COOL!”.
No, it’s just warm.
Your just dessert,

You just got served.


Maybe he’ll learn
Not to make fun
‘Cause he’s a jerk
He smells like poo.

He stinks around
Can’t wash it off
Cause he’s a jerk
Just like me.
Track Name: Ordinary Average Jerks (Drunks, Sluts, Dads, Wives or Clerks)
We’re all just ordinary average jerks.
Our friends say they’re straightedge
So they want to get drunk
But they can’t find a good beer
To hide in their trunk.

Let’s go down Whyte Ave,
Support Wunderbar
Give some change to the “hobos”
So they can buy more.
We’re all just ordinary average drunks

Go see a show, maybe drink in the back
My friend she enjoys me,
She ties her hair back
There’s places to party,
There’s places to score
Just show me a bathroom,
I’ll bust on the floor
We’re all just ordinary average sluts

Here at the office, working so late
My staff is so hungry,
They went home at 20:00
I will bend the intern over my desk
A full time position, she do think is best
No vasectomy, so wax her headlights
She didn’t notice, her cervix in flight
We’re all just ordinary average dads

Cling to the sunset, confession at dawn
Told we’re both winners, so we want to score
No “haste will make waste”, stand on the pier
We don’t know why, but we get up and cheer
No swimming in gene pools, no diving in muffs
Our father is buying his “strange” before lunch
Shotgun marriages, the loves we expect
She’s arranging flowers, while milking his farm
We’re all just ordinary average wives

Reel in a man with a short skirted yawn
Spawn up a nest egg and swallow his charm
The rooster you clean
With your eyelashes closed
The stinging won’t hurt you,
The yolk’s in his clothes
If it’s not a planet that you want to chew
You can get schoolin’ - a job that’s for you
Get a divorce or work as a store
Temptations is hiring, red rockets adore
We’re all just ordinary average clerks

No credit card numbers from crack addict “perps”
We sure don’t do cashback
The washroom’s reserved
This minimum wage, it’s hardly deserved
Smiling not forced for the johns that we serve
Paperwork cashouts, they balance and check
10 bucks in your pocket
Your boss won’t suspect
Let’s go to Wunderbar
Find some good beer
Go home and pass out
Get up with a cheer

We’re all just ordinary average jerks.
Track Name: STAR WARTS (Aceplop's Fable Of The Banana's Chocolate Starfish)
I don’t adopt orphans
I think that blood lines are great
Don’t sell me eugenics
For you know I’ll never cheat
Premarital sex
I don’t like bananas
Because I’m homophobic
But I’d like to try out (and dry out)
Your chocolate starfish
And I won’t use lube
There’s no free rides at church camp
When she got down to pray
Behind the old woodshed
She was pulled out of Sex-Ed again
A bare-back blowjob
That’s all abstinence today
13 kids later
She still won’t take a pill
He can sleep downstairs
With the mice and the fill
Maybe he’ll get lucky
With the prostate cancer fairy
Track Name: Out West (ETS Blowjobs Remix)
I had this job, it kind of sucked
Life in Alberta, it’s pretty rough
If you’re not with them
You’re out of luck
So hit the oilfield - and buy a truck

Our incomes are wasted
On doctor’s gone crazy
It’s kind of hard to get good head, out west

Chase that money, forget you’re stuck
There’s so much more here
Than getting fucked
Go get some cocaine to fix that rust
Suck your own dick, don’t be a slut

Our tax dollars wasted
On credit card payments
It’s pretty hard to keep good head,
Out west

Temptations massage, let’s give ‘em a call
Order some takeout of sleazy bar
New City Suburbs, they had to move
Their bouncer’s haircut
Their reputation bruised

Cash dollars hazy
This Edmonton oil plagues me
‘Cause it’s not hard to get bad head
Out west

Lust for distraction
Throw it away
Then find a new light
To lead your way

Come ride the oil wave on ETS
Don’t bother paying, cause you know
The answer’s yes
We sure are pro-active
With our bulletproof glasses
Drop off the purpose
pickup the drive and cut the line

Bus drivers dialing
Up dopers for siding
To drown the tap, an ill felt rap
On mental wrists
(It’s the Alberta Advantage)

Some jobs are like toilet paper
You keep them long enough
To wipe your rear
It pretty hard, to wipe your ass, out west

Let’s go to West Ed
To suicide
Rent us a handgun
To gentrify

We’ll hit the bullet on the hammer’s back
To close the gap between
The rich and the sack
We sure are proactive with
Oil covered caskets

Don’t grow a mohawk
Stop cutting it off
Track Name: Escorted Cum Lattes In The Sky
Scrotie:
“Oh, so we uh gotta sing, hey.”
Red:
“They’re gonna let us sing here, on this one? Right on.”
Scrotie:
“Gotta earn those session dollars”

How many rubs will make a right?
How many tugs will work tonight?
Where were you, while they were
“smoking pole?”
Slowly sliding down the hall
Clicking heels, a bra too small
Falling out, down on Stony Plain Road

Someday you will find her
Wide eyed, getting cab fare
For a ride above a black hole
Escorted cum lattes in the sky

(Recorder part), then Red:
“Well apparently somebody
should have dropped out
in kindergarten to be a rock star”

Not just paying for their school
Kids at home, a sitter rules
Turning tricks
Down on Stony Plain Road
Smoking crack behind the bar
Huddled in a worn down car
Where were they
While John was getting off?
This was no temptation,
A comic release, our
“Escorted cum lattes” (x2)

These rig pigs need to
Get their rocks off,
Go home to their wives.
Their jizz entwined, a piercing kind
Their safe is bolted down to our ceiling
At (the dump known as)
The “Blackspot Café” (Edmonton’s WM for musicians)

Red: “Holy sheepers,
I wish they’d just use AutoTune”

Someday you will find her
Wide eyed, taking cab fares
For a “hotdog down that hallway”*
(* a stolen Seth MacFarlane/Family Guy joke)
Escorted cum lattes in the sky
Track Name: Rockin' The Knob Right Off (Shake The Fireman)
rocking the knob right off, ride on
pawnin’ the knob ride off, right off

you can’t buy love, but you sure can rent it.
so here’s how you gents can pawn your penis

head on down to your local girlie saloon
hold your head up, don’t act a fool now!
men are from Mars and women from Venus
if you rack up a debt, you can pawn your penis.
taking it off is a noble profession
showing it all with the girlies obsessing.
no time to be choosy, you’re “Mr. smoothie”,
shake, shake, shake!

some girls need a maid
some men need a pasture
your ass needs a smack, no need to indenture
knocking on wood and pushing on plastic
tickle the trunk and she’ll soon be yelling, round
irkin’ the girkin’, cruisin’ for a bruisin’
a slap on the back, now you’re “Mt. St. Using”

got a cricket paddle in the basket
obelisk ready now for an asskick
a moderate leash for your gentleman caller
burning a bridge over Kilimanjaro
a kick and a scream
there’s a horse in the buggy
a ride on the steeple, we’re not in a hurry
taking a trip, gotta see ‘em to believe ‘em
whipping and chaining up, no deceiving

what a wicked web we weave
when last we do deceive
there’s no turning around
with six figures I drown

shake, shake, shake, shake the fireman,
you’re so hot, I gotta put it out

calling in sick, you sure need a kicking
your ring of fire can sure take a lickin’
not a lot of squeeze, but we got a lot o’ fruit
with kaegles and time, then over I shoot

your ball gag a sure thing
no beads on your... necklace
for giving me a “Dirty Sanchez”, I thank you
putting a plug in a “dark” situation
I’m starting to think... I might be over working

hocking the cock isn’t always so easy
try to be nice and you won’t feel sleazy
taking my time, it’s a moment to cherish
working it off when I pawn my penis

we’re coating the sausage, a sticky situation
my banger gets mashed, the gravy no kidding
pulling the tail on a “barbeque mouse trap”
I figure you won’t mind if I pre-wrap...

what a wicked web we weave
when last we do deceive
there’s no turning around
with six figures I drown
Track Name: Truckload O' Love (The Mystery Of Shay-Lee's Lost Lunch)
I’m going in empty and I’m coming back full, 
this truckload of love

fire up the reefer, and dust out the cracks
check the free play, no pipe through the rack
grease up your ball joints and check your dipstick 
my dispatcher’s smoking... a wet cigarette

from the stop signs to the white lines,
truckload of love

momma’s been asking if I’m ever coming back
take off & leave, a professional at that
a real “straight shooter” ‘cause
we’re just going slow
save it all up for making her warm

from the bear mace, to the diesel cakes
truckload of love

no lot lizards or getting cheap thrills

so chain me up baby, we’re gonna take the hill
not a lot of trees - but we tap a lot of juice
but that’s cause I just hit a moose

from the free rides to the red lights....
truckload o’ love
just tryin’ to keep my pants on
driving down East Hastings.

Hit my “Vancouver play”

no skinny brake checks, tap a full rack
she received my truckload of love

momma’s still asking if I’m ever coming back
probably thinks I’m getting high on SMAK
little does she know I’m drawing in the sack
‘cause that band broke up 8 years back

from the skid marks to the track sharps
truckload of love

Pulling the pin to drop off the flame
(Alex) Mihill will turn,
before Nifties changed the game
I’m jamming gears, 10 hippies in the back
Shay-Lee done groped me and puked in her lap

from my fast food, to unpacked lunch
she choked on my truckload of love.

so put down the reefer, and clean out the cracks
wet your 5th wheel for a hop in the back,
grease up your nipples and check your dipstick
my dispatcher’s smoking, a new cigarette

from the long lines
to the short checks (chicks?)
it’s my truckload o’ love
Track Name: quite a predicKament
looking for some good beer
I can’t find my own kind
so I drink before 09:00.
I understand the concepts
of hops and malts, I think.
but when they come together
then I’ll know, then I know impotence

no no no no no!
it’s that corporate beer!
I can’t get it up
I think I’ve had enough.
no no no no no
my wife, she wants.... happIness

looking for a hummer on 118’th Ave
it’s like shooting fish; into a barrel. 
find some self respect
go down whyte and check out Blackbyrd.
then get wasted, at Wunderbar.

pay the cover charge
don’t you guest list “Marge”
she’s your newfound charm
just don’t feel up her skirt
no no no Molson! no no no Labatt$!
no more toxic beer goes down
my escort’s gullet

feeling kinda frisky, three beers in
I couldn’t sin, so I reached in
no no no no no! no no no no no! 
she’s got... happIness

this is kinda awkward...
what should I do?
I’ll eat me a grilled cheese
and think about my squeeze.

no no no Molson!
no Anheiser Bush!
no more toxic swill goes down
her transgendered gullet
no no it’s so good, I can’t get enough
and it’s not because 
I found... happIness

hey Craig, so what’s my tab: 
I need to split. it seems that I’m in 
quite the.... “predicKament”

down by the legislature, eternal flame
getting “strange”.
step into the fountain
wash it off my dear, are we in the clear?
paper or plastic, smoke it with a flick
here is some cab fare, for MY ride home

no no no Molson!
no no no Labatts!
no more corporate beer goes down
my alcoholic gullet.
no no, but it’s so good
hide it in my food.
no one will ever know, 
I had, Wunderbeer
Track Name: RETURN OF THE BANANA (Let Go Oilers, Let Go)
I don’t adopt ad-orphans
I think that blood lines are great
don’t sell me eugenics
for you know I’ll never cheat
premarital sex
if you’re a Christian
or worship a solar deity
please don’t be offended
if your kids don’t want to breed
they’re all dirty hippies

who want to save the world
can’t we see all this repressed sexuality
has got our kids pregnant
more times than not
that’s not out of wedlock
a shotgun marriage for three
just use a condom
after you get a vasectomy
and she gets her tubes tied
and her brand new I.U.D.
if she’s not a Catholic
all these things are meant to be
can’t we see all this repressed sexuality
has got our kids pregnant
more times than not
they say she’s a virgin
it’s not to for me to judge
a wife with a hymen
her husband wouldn’t fudge
what if she adopted
a Jew from Galilee?