FIR​:​STBBM ♥ Radio Edit! EP

by Noël, Young & Crazy Hores

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To make radio/DJ friendly, these versions feature:

- No rhythmic intros, for easy cross-fades.
- CRTC compliant lyrics (or lack there-of... haha)


I set out to record a song (singular) one summer's day in 2012. The next thing I know I've got an album's worth of comedy songs. Hey! I should release these online! Hey! Why not everything else else I've ever recorded while I'm at it?

credits

released September 2, 2012

Me so goodest speeling and gramher.

tags

license

Some rights reserved. Please refer to individual track pages for license info.

about

Davē Noël Black Edmonton, Alberta

db is a "delightfully weird" fine artist, an advocate for OPM and a recovering narcissist.

Currently on academic probation, he looks forward to his future career as a student, hoping to obtain a triple doctorate in Underwater Economics, Musicological Fractals and Poli-Techs, however he’s not holding his breath.
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Track Name: Rockin' the Knob ♥ 104bpm
rocking the knob right off, ride on
pawnin’ the knob ride off, right off

you can’t buy love, but you sure can rent it.
so here’s how you gents can pawn your penis

head on down to your local girlie saloon
hold your head up, don’t act a fool now!
men are from Mars and women from Venus
if you rack up a debt, you can pawn your penis.
taking it off is a noble profession
showing it all with the girlies obsessing.
no time to be choosy, you’re “Mr. smoothie”,
shake, shake, shake!

some girls need a maid
some men need a pasture
your ass needs a smack, no need to indenture
knocking on wood and pushing on plastic
tickle the trunk and she’ll soon be yelling, round
irkin’ the girkin’, cruisin’ for a bruisin’
a slap on the back, now you’re “Mt. St. Using”

got a cricket paddle in the basket
obelisk ready now for an asskick
a moderate leash for your gentleman caller
burning a bridge over Kilimanjaro
a kick and a scream
there’s a horse in the buggy
a ride on the steeple, we’re not in a hurry
taking a trip, gotta see ‘em to believe ‘em
whipping and chaining up, no deceiving

what a wicked web we weave
when last we do deceive
there’s no turning around
with six figures I drown

shake, shake, shake, shake the fireman,
you’re so hot, I gotta put it out

calling in sick, you sure need a kicking
your ring of fire can sure take a lickin’
not a lot of squeeze, but we got a lot o’ fruit
with kaegles and time, then over I shoot

your ball gag a sure thing
no beads on your... necklace
for giving me a “Dirty Sanchez”, I thank you
putting a plug in a “dark” situation
I’m starting to think... I might be over working

hocking the cock isn’t always so easy
try to be nice and you won’t feel sleazy
taking my time, it’s a moment to cherish
working it off when I pawn my penis

we’re coating the sausage, a sticky situation
my banger gets mashed, the gravy no kidding
pulling the tail on a “barbeque mouse trap”
I figure you won’t mind if I pre-wrap...

what a wicked web we weave
when last we do deceive
there’s no turning around
with six figures I drown
Track Name: quite a predicKament ♥ 82bpm
looking for some good beer
I can’t find my own kind
so I drink before 09:00.
I understand the concepts
of hops and malts, I think.
but when they come together
then I’ll know, then I know impotence

no no no no no!
it’s that corporate beer!
I can’t get it up
I think I’ve had enough.
no no no no no
my wife, she wants.... happIness

looking for a hummer on 118’th Ave
it’s like shooting fish; into a barrel. 
find some self respect
go down whyte and check out Blackbyrd.
then get wasted, at Wunderbar.

pay the cover charge
don’t you guest list “Marge”
she’s your newfound charm
just don’t feel up her skirt
no no no Molson! no no no Labatt$!
no more toxic beer goes down
my escort’s gullet

feeling kinda frisky, three beers in
I couldn’t sin, so I reached in
no no no no no! no no no no no! 
she’s got... happIness

this is kinda awkward...
what should I do?
I’ll eat me a grilled cheese
and think about my squeeze.

no no no Molson!
no Anheiser Bush!
no more toxic swill goes down
her transgendered gullet
no no it’s so good, I can’t get enough
and it’s not because 
I found... happIness

hey Craig, so what’s my tab: 
I need to split. it seems that I’m in 
quite the.... “predicKament”

down by the legislature, eternal flame
getting “strange”.
step into the fountain
wash it off my dear, are we in the clear?
paper or plastic, smoke it with a flick
here is some cab fare, for MY ride home

no no no Molson!
no no no Labatts!
no more corporate beer goes down
my alcoholic gullet.
no no, but it’s so good
hide it in my food.
no one will ever know, 
I had, Wunderbeer
Track Name: Ordinary Average Jerks ♥ 138bpm
We’re all just ordinary average jerks.
Our friends say they’re straightedge
So they want to get drunk
But they can’t find a good beer
To hide in their trunk.

Let’s go down Whyte Ave,
Support Wunderbar
Give some change to the “hobos”
So they can buy more.
We’re all just ordinary average drunks

Go see a show, maybe drink in the back
My friend she enjoys me,
She ties her hair back
There’s places to party,
There’s places to score
Just show me a bathroom,
I’ll bust on the floor
We’re all just ordinary average sluts

Here at the office, working so late
My staff is so hungry,
They went home at 20:00
I will bend the intern over my desk
A full time position, she do think is best
No vasectomy, so wax her headlights
She didn’t notice, her cervix in flight
We’re all just ordinary average dads

Cling to the sunset, confession at dawn
Told we’re both winners, so we want to score
No “haste will make waste”, stand on the pier
We don’t know why, but we get up and cheer
No swimming in gene pools, no diving in muffs
Our father is buying his “strange” before lunch
Shotgun marriages, the loves we expect
She’s arranging flowers, while milking his farm
We’re all just ordinary average wives

Reel in a man with a short skirted yawn
Spawn up a nest egg and swallow his charm
The rooster you clean
With your eyelashes closed
The stinging won’t hurt you,
The yolk’s in his clothes
If it’s not a planet that you want to chew
You can get schoolin’ - a job that’s for you
Get a divorce or work as a store
Temptations is hiring, red rockets adore
We’re all just ordinary average clerks

No credit card numbers from crack addict “perps”
We sure don’t do cashback
The washroom’s reserved
This minimum wage, it’s hardly deserved
Smiling not forced for the johns that we serve
Paperwork cashouts, they balance and check
10 bucks in your pocket
Your boss won’t suspect
Let’s go to Wunderbar
Find some good beer
Go home and pass out
Get up with a cheer

We’re all just ordinary average jerks.
Track Name: Escorted Cum Lattes in the Sky ♥ 70bpm
Scrotie:
“Oh, so we uh gotta sing, hey.”
Red:
“They’re gonna let us sing here, on this one? Right on.”
Scrotie:
“Gotta earn those session dollars”

How many rubs will make a right?
How many tugs will work tonight?
Where were you, while they were
“smoking pole?”
Slowly sliding down the hall
Clicking heels, a bra too small
Falling out, down on Stony Plain Road

Someday you will find her
Wide eyed, getting cab fare
For a ride above a black hole
Escorted cum lattes in the sky

(Recorder part), then Red:
“Well apparently somebody
should have dropped out
in kindergarten to be a rock star”

Not just paying for their school
Kids at home, a sitter rules
Turning tricks
Down on Stony Plain Road
Smoking crack behind the bar
Huddled in a worn down car
Where were they
While John was getting off?
This was no temptation,
A comic release, our
“Escorted cum lattes” (x2)

These rig pigs need to
Get their rocks off,
Go home to their wives.
Their jizz entwined, a piercing kind
Their safe is bolted down to our ceiling
At (the dump known as)
The “Blackspot Café” (Edmonton’s WM for musicians)

Red: “Holy sheepers,
I wish they’d just use AutoTune”

Someday you will find her
Wide eyed, taking cab fares
For a “hotdog down that hallway”*
(* a stolen Seth MacFarlane/Family Guy joke)
Escorted cum lattes in the sky
Track Name: Out West (Edmonton Transit Blowjobs Remix) ♥ 124bpm
I had this job, it kind of sucked
Life in Alberta, it’s pretty rough
If you’re not with them
You’re out of luck
So hit the oilfield - and buy a truck

Our incomes are wasted
On doctor’s gone crazy
It’s kind of hard to get good head, out west

Chase that money, forget you’re stuck
There’s so much more here
Than getting fucked
Go get some cocaine to fix that rust
Suck your own dick, don’t be a slut

Our tax dollars wasted
On credit card payments
It’s pretty hard to keep good head,
Out west

Temptations massage, let’s give ‘em a call
Order some takeout of sleazy bar
New City Suburbs, they had to move
Their bouncer’s haircut
Their reputation bruised

Cash dollars hazy
This Edmonton oil plagues me
‘Cause it’s not hard to get bad head
Out west

Lust for distraction
Throw it away
Then find a new light
To lead your way

Come ride the oil wave on ETS
Don’t bother paying, cause you know
The answer’s yes
We sure are pro-active
With our bulletproof glasses
Drop off the purpose
pickup the drive and cut the line

Bus drivers dialing
Up dopers for siding
To drown the tap, an ill felt rap
On mental wrists
(It’s the Alberta Advantage)

Some jobs are like toilet paper
You keep them long enough
To wipe your rear
It pretty hard, to wipe your ass, out west

Let’s go to West Ed
To suicide
Rent us a handgun
To gentrify

We’ll hit the bullet on the hammer’s back
To close the gap between
The rich and the sack
We sure are proactive with
Oil covered caskets

Don’t grow a mohawk
Stop cutting it off